The Story

For the last four years, I've felt this burning desire within my heart to do something BIG. Aside from getting married and having each of my 5 kids (all really great moments. vv notable. don't get me wrong), I've experienced this particular crave-type feeling for other endeavors in my life exactly 3 times. The first moment I felt it was when I started Jessica's Princess Parties. When Jakob turned 5, we hired a Spiderman to come entertain at his birthday party. Witnessing little Jake and his total amazement at having his childhood idol AT HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY, literally brought me to tears! As soon as Spiderman left our house that day, I knew without a doubt I HAD to do this. I HAD to start my own entertainment company for little girls. I could imagine it perfectly in my mind; the costumes, the activities, the logo even. I knew it would be hugely successful because when I set my mind to something, I never settle for anything less than perfection. I put my whole heart and soul in that company, and I built it from the ground up. When I sold it 4 years after it began, I was the top children's princess entertainer in the entire DFW metroplex. I had booked more than 1000 parties with the support of 4 employees. I had performed at parties for a handful of professional athletes' daughters, as well as local news anchors' children, and even charitable events at Primary Children's hospital. I completed exactly what I set out to do. It was such a significant part of my life and necessary for my personal growth because it instilled a confidence in me that, even though I didn't finish college and I don't have a degree, I know how to start and run a successful business. It taught me that I'm an entrepreneur at heart. It taught me that I can achieve anything I set my mind to. Side note: If you look up jessicasprincessparties.com, you'll even see that it's still successfully running and they even kept my name.

The second time I felt the crave was when I created my blog. This was during the time when everyone was starting a blog. When blogs were the Instagram. My sister encouraged me to do it. Despite being hesitant at first because blogs were so unfamiliar and I had no idea how to even create one, it felt right. I was eager to try it out and as soon as I got started, I was obsessed. I was the owner of this tiny piece of real estate on the world wide interwebs. I could write about whatever I wanted, be my unique bonkers self or my spiritual intimate self, and people LOVED me for some CrAzY reason! I had an enormous following on my family blog which led to the launch of my Hunduddle Hussy blog that gained even MORE of a following and popularity. TO THIS DAY, people still recognize me and follow my Instagram because of those blogs. That experience added to my shaping and molding by allowing me to recognize multiple talents of mine. I'm naturally engaging to others. Also, real is rare. Before, I had always felt like I had to hide the E True Hollywood Jessica because she was too different or too weird. I have been blessed with this realness that's attractive to those around me because it breaks down the walls of them feeling like they have to keep up with some unattainable expectation that they see on other blogs/Instagrams. I'm not perfect and I don't PRETEND to be perfect; that's a breath of fresh air for a lot of people. It showed me that I'm not JUST this awkward, sometimes trashy, rowdy, spiritual, goofball girl, but more of a BAD A$$ girl with a personality COMPRISED of all these unique characteristics. It also taught me that I love writing! I say taught me, but more like REMINDED me. Let us not forget that I was an avid competitor in UIL creative writing competitions all throughout my very prestigious elementary career. I even published a book when I was a mere 5th grader, yall. YEAH. BIGTIME right here. Watch yourself.

The third and final time I was graced with the craving for a BIG experience were my two NCA bodybuilding shows I prepped for and competed in. Back in 2014, I decided I wanted to learn more about lifting and transform my body significantly. I had lifted weights before, but I didn't really know what I was doing and whatever I was doing wasn't making any transformation to my body. So, I enlisted the aid of my good friend/coach to get me in shape. She designed for me a 12 week program along with a diet to follow and YALL, I WENT ALL IN. At the end of the 12 weeks I had seen massive change to my body and overall mental state. I was in love. The new year was approaching and I wanted to keep going on my training, but I knew I needed to set a NEW big goal for myself in order to keep the motivation pumping at a nice pace. I had seen bodybuilders on Instagram before and was always intrigued, but ME? ME do a show? It was a scary thought for sure, but I have a testimony of setting goals that scare the crap out of you. I chose the show date, informed my coach, and began the process. During my preparation for the show, there was clearly doubt from onlookers, but NEVER from myself. Just like with my previous 2 successful ventures, I imagined the outcome of this one perfectly in my head. I clung to those visions. I could imagine myself on stage receiving medals. I played it over and over in my head so often that I MADE it come true. Six months after I committed to doing the show, I was in the exact place I had envisioned myself to be; in a sparkly bikini, on a big huge stage in front of hundreds of people, receiving my medals. BAM. I had done it. And then 2 years later I did it AGAIN. Preparing and competing in those two bodybuilding shows provided me with a new tool to add to my arsenal. They taught me discipline. They showed me that nothing is more empowering than having control of yourself, being in control of the natural man. The experience also taught me to dream BIG. It taught me to do the impossible, to have courage, to have patience, trust the process, and push myself outside of my comfort zone to witness authentic self growth. 

Because of these 3 experiences, I am keenly aware of what that crave feels like and even MORE aware of the greatness that transpires from carrying out whatever it is I need to do. Have you ever forgotten someone's name but it's right on the tip of your tongue?  You continue to shout out various names that your brain is pushing forward and they're sooo close, but they just aren't THE name you're trying to recall. Some of the names even make you feel like you're getting closer and closer which is driving you inSANE because why won't THE name just pop out like all the rest?!? It's almost like your brain is playing some mean joke on you just to watch you suffer as it dangles the REAL name in front of you, except you can't read it or grab it. You can only see the silhouette of it and a muffled version of what it sounds like. It is the WORST. Now imagine that whole scenario for a LIFE CHANGING EVENT!! Hence the reason why I've felt like stabbing knives in my eyeballs for four years every time I try to figure it out. I have prayed, studied, pondered, visited the temple, asked friends, researched, explored, and prayed MORE but nothing was coming to me that felt 100% on the money. I had plenty of ideas, but when I would start to lean in one direction or another to get a feel for it, it wasn't the same burning desire I felt when I had decided to do the previous 3 major commitments. I knew that I would KNOW when I knew, and I just didn't yet. 

I finally reached a point where I wouldn't say I gave up searching, but I just put it all on pause. I hadn't come up with anything after years of searching, and I decided that maybe Heavenly Father was just preparing my mind to be mentally primed for the thing when the timing WAS perfect. I've always felt strongly that I needed to be home with my kids throughout their entire schooling and some of my ideas would have required me to go back to school, or work full time. I don't judge ANYONE for being a working parent, but for ME personally, I feel it's necessary to stay home. Maybe one of my kids is wired to be a

serial killer but me being at home with them will somehow rewrite the stars and I'll save humanity from he or she murdering everyone, I don't know. You can thank me later. I DO know from experience, when it comes to decision making for my life, I need to place all emphasis on what my Father in Heaven wants for me, and He just wants me home. That's that. So, I had decided that my destiny in being a famous SNL actress or a WWE professional wrestler would, sadly, just have to wait. I carried on with my life. I continued to ponder it here and there, hoping something would just hit me like a ton of bricks in some miraculous moment of eureka. Like I'd be having one of those dreams where I'm on my skateboard (no I don't skate) and then I fall off and suddenly jerk and sit straight up in bed, awake and alert in a moment of revelation because I FINALLY KNOW! Buuuuut, no. That never happened.  I cried plenty of times and I also got really infuriated and frustrated because I felt like I was growing too old and now I wouldn't be able to do ANYTHING because old people (40+) are basically ALL HANDICAPPED HUMANS who can't even wipe their own butts. I  know, I know. I'm dramatic. It's fine. 

Then one day, I was chatting to my sister and I just unloaded it all to her like text vomit, exorcist style. Texts were flying in all sorts of directions. "THIS IS SO UNFAIR!" I had to sit back and observe everyone around me find THEIR THING and be insanely successful at it and I'm just over here, sitting around collecting dust like a dadgum sock that fell between the washer and dryer that's JUST out of arm's reach; just laying there, useless and stupid looking. I don't compare myself to others and their successes. That wasn't what was motivating me to find MINE. I could FEEL mine in my bones and it just wouldn't surface no matter how hard I fished for it, which is why it was hard to watch everyone else around me figure out their thing. I felt so far behind. My precious sister calmed me down enough to get a word in and she suggested I read this book called, Girl, Wash Your Face. I was annoyed (sorry, Linds). Only 738 people had previously suggested I read that book as well and, 1. I DON'T READ. 2. It sounds dumb. 3. I hate HATE HATE self help books and I wasn't convinced of their power to change someone or some situation. 4. It was too trendy. "What's that?  Everyone is reading this book?  Ok, then I'll be sure to grab it on my way home AND THROW IT IN THE TRASH AND BURN IT, thanks." I'm a rebel at heart and it crushes my soul to do what everyone else is doing. I just can't. So yes, I was SO miffed with her response. I put my phone down and carried on with my day. But unexpectedly, I kept hearing this still small voice whisper ever so mildly to me, "READ THE DANG BOOK, JESSICA, YOU STUBBORN BUTTHOLE!" Yep, the dadgum spirit. It has to get a little fiesty when it's working with me. But as stubborn as I am, the spirit wins every time and the church is true. No matter how annoying it would be, I had to read it. And by "read" I mean listen to because I don't read. Pff. 

I finished reading the book in ONE DAY, YALL. Well, I finished LISTENING to it on 1.5 speed in one day. I couldn't stop. It was precisely everything I needed to hear. To sum it up, it basically discusses all the lies we tell ourselves our entire lives, which in turn, shuts down our ability to be our greatest potential. I had to start completely over in my quest to find

my THING.  I had to erase all the lies I had recited to myself for YEARS, and start from scratch on a clean Jessica palette. It was so liberating to write down all of the lies about me that I had come to accept were truth because I had embedded them so deeply in my subconscious. To stare at them on paper and state to myself, "NOPE. NOT TRUE." was empowering! It endowed me with a new sense of pride in myself I had never felt before. I knew then, I had to go back to square one, my patriarchal blessing. I had read it a million times over before, but NEVER had I read it MINUS the lies I believed about myself blocking it's true message for me. For those of you unfamiliar with what this blessing is, in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, a patriarchal blessing is a blessing or ordinance given by a patriarch (evangelist) to a church member. They are similar to the blessings given by Jacob in the Bible, to each of his sons prior to his death. Every worthy baptized member is entitled to and should receive one. The blessing provides inspired direction from the Lord. It contains personal revelation and instruction from our Heavenly Father who knows our strengths, weaknesses and eternal potential. Only by following and having faith in the counsel provided in the blessing, can one receive the blessings contained in it. Every blessing is unique to that individual and very sacred. 

I pulled out my blessing and began to read. Because patriarchal blessings are sacred and personal, I won't share it in it's entirety. I will, however, share a small section of it for the sake of the story. "I bless you to be an influencer and bear witness to others…Your talents, skills, sweet spirit, and personality are all gifts given to you to be a true servant of the Lord and to be A LIGHT TO THE WORLD about you…as you shed forth THE LIGHT OF CHRIST for ALL to see." Y'all, this was in 1999. NINETEEN NINETY-NINE. When we only knew how to PARTY like that year, but no one even knew what an INFLUENCER was yet. There was no Instagram, no Facebook, no Tiktok, no VSCO, no Twitter, no Snapchat. THERE WERE NO iPHONES. Like, how did we even survive back then, right? I feel sad just

thinking about the Jessica of 1999 without her iphone.  Anyway, I digress, are you beginning to see where I'm going with this?? Heavenly Father KNEW the impact social media would have on this earth before WE even knew what the heck social media WAS. He already knew about influencers!! And He HAND SELECTED me to be one FOR HIM.  I had read my blessing hundreds of times before this day and that word had never lunged out at me. But on THIS particular day, it did. It HOLLERED at me. It rocketed off the page, clutched me by the neck, yanked me SO close I could feel the heat of it's breath and it growled through clenched teeth, "THIS IS IT. DO IT OR I WILL CUT YOU." I sat there in awe and sheer silence for probably a full ten minutes. I was also on the toilet hiding from my heathens so that could be why I was being so quiet and still, BUT I was bewildered. How had I overlooked this? Also, I've always DESPISED the word influencer. Remember the whole trendy thing? If everyone else is doing it then count me OUT. UGH. I couldn't despise the word anymore. I had to learn to love it. I had to accept it as ME. This was my fate. My friend put it best and opened my eyes to my first glimpse of love for the word when she pointed out, "Well that's awesome.  The WORLD has enough influencers.  It's about time there was one for CHRIST."

For some crazy reason, people are intrigued by me. I'm not trying to sound vain or VAPID (as I've been called in the past for those of you who have followed me for a lonnggggg time) when I say this, it's just a fact. I'm actually cringing as I write this particular post because I'm not big on giving Jessica self love and it's ugly to type, but it embarrasses me to compliment myself in front of others. WHYYYY? It is SO sad that I feel that way!! I want to be, and I'm actively working on, being abundantly better at self love, which is why I'm forcing myself to write this, but it's PAINFUL. I keep typing a sentence, deleting it.

Retyping it. Delete delete. Retype, DELETE IT ALL, BLAHHH. Ok, but for real. Part of my journey to uncovering my THING and rewiring my brain after cleaning out all the lies, was requiring myself to make a list of all my strengths and weaknesses. If you've never done this before (like me) I highly suggest trying it out. GUYS, I have a lot of strengths! I was so impressed with my list! Unnnnntillllll I wrote out all my weaknesses. I have countless weaknesses, bLahhhhh.  But the glorious thing about both sides of my list, is that they can function together if I allow them. All is not lost, Jessica.  Do NOT flip over the table and give up on life. I have ALL the strengths I need to alter and improve upon every single weakness I possess. And isn't that why we are here on earth in the first place? To develop into the very finest version of ourselves?  To become more like Christ and soak up His character? So like I said to begin with, I have a gift of being a gatherer of humans. My blessing mentions it as well. Don't you love that visual?  Me with my little crossbody bag just plucking humans up from all over the world and stuffing them in my bag to save for later? What if I used the gift that Heavenly Father has blessed me with, to lead a worldwide experiment that would not only enable me to transform one of my WORST weaknesses into a strength, but would also encourage everyone around me to do the same as they witnessed the miraculous change in myself?!

Ok. I'm about to admit something SO HEINOUS that you'll probably start unfollowing me immediately and never speak to me again, but I HAVE to be utterly honest with myself and with y'all if I expect to ever change this behavior. I HATE PEOPLE. Ugh. I feel queasy for even typing that out loud. I can already feel the laser beam eyes of death I'm receiving through all the phones because the girl who just proclaimed, "I'm a gatherer of humans" and "people are intrigued by me" hates everyone. It's true though. WELL, let me be clear, I don't hate EVERYONE. I mean, I have an abundant amount of friends. And I adore all of them. It's basically just EVERY OTHER PERSON I come in contact with throughout my day that I DON'T know. It's horrible I know, "YOU'RE HORRIBLE!" Insert Mary Catherine Gallagher gif of her opening and shutting her door screaming it over and over again. I don't want you to think I'm a monster so let me just clarify my definition of the word hate. Everyone just ANNOYS me. I'm 'bout to get real REAL here so hold on to your butts: The people at the gym who get in my way or act like they're too cool to be polite or rerack their weight, ANNOY ME. Every single Utah driver who can't take just a little initiative and use some common sense, ANNOY ME. Every person at Costco who feels the need to partake of EVERY SINGLE SAMPLE like they’re dying of hunger even though they are literally SACRAMENT BREAD SIZE pieces of food, ANNOY ME. Every person at the mall who refuses to move to the right so we can all just walk seamlessly through the walkways like they do in Japan, ANNOY ME. Every person who walks through a door in front of me and just lets it fly back and smack me in the face because it's TOO HARD to just glance behind you before you let go of the door to make sure someone isn't following and might appreciate you holding it open for them, ANNOY ME. Every person who has no social awareness and just exists in their own bubble, not paying any attention to anything or anyone around them, ANNOY ME. Sadly, the list could go on and on. I'm not proud of this admittance, but like I said, I want to be authentic here because I SINCERELY want to change.

Oh look, you're still following me. WOW. After that last post I assumed even Instagram would shut me down. But here's the thing, since sharing this little tidbit of dirt about myself that I'm NOT proud of, I've come to realize that I'm not alone. All of my friends feel the same way! And upon further research, I've found that this is a world wide epidemic! The world is FILLED with everyone having a difficult time loving those around them. Politics, religion and media are continually trying to push this idea of hate on us, almost like they WANT the world to hate each other. "Oh, YOU don't agree with THIS topic but SHE does sooo YOU HAVE TO HATE EACH OTHER NOW." There are memes made about hating people that we all laugh at and share with our friends. There are t-shirts made that encourage us to embrace hating everyone. I OWN a shirt that says, "I hate everyone and pants"! It has become TRENDY TO HATE EVERYONE, YALL. Oh my honey honey, Satan is SO good at his job. It makes me want to puke. Whether the hate is caused by insecurity, jealously, offense, inferiority, or just plain annoyance, it doesn't matter. What matters is, it exists, and it's becoming detrimental to our world. My most-loved story of all time in the Book of Mormon has ALWAYS been in 3rd and 4th Nephi when Christ visits the Nephites and the Lamanites in America. If you don't have a Book of Mormon available to you and you WANT to read these chapters and study it yourself, I would LOVE to send you one so just LMK. My favorite verses are 4:15-18.  Specifically the part that reads, "…there was no contention in the land, because of the LOVE of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people…but they were ONE, the children of Christ…".  Can you even visualize this? It's SO foreign to me I almost can't, but when I do try, my heart swells with so much joy and I smile uncontrollably.  I mean, I still hate pants, but I know without a doubt that this was exactly how Heavenly Father wanted it to always be. For His children to be as ONE. 

What if I took my strength of being an influencer and gatherer of humans, and used it to help ME (cuz don't forget I'm not doing this because I'm a pro at loving everyone, I'm being quite selfish in my quest in hopes of making a weakness of mine STRONG) shift not only MY mindset, but also everyone around me? I'm sure there isn't anyone reading this right now that is anywhere NEAR my level of monster when it comes to the lack of love for others, but maybe you struggle just a TEENY bit and want to change? What if all of those previous endeavors I have undergone have qualified me for this occasion? For this revolution even, we could call it. Satan is determined to isolate us and prevent LOVE from existing.  But the Nephites and Lamanites only lived in perfect peace and harmony BECAUSE of the love they had for Jesus and their desire to be like Him, which in turn allowed them to LOVE EACH OTHER. Christ didn't walk the earth shooting finger guns at everyone saying, "HEYYYY MANNNN, I love ya!!! I love EVERYONE! Love YOU over there in the corner with the leprosy!  I LOVE YA MAN back there in the dirt!  HEYYYYY lady crying over there, I LOVE YA!"  And then went to His house like, "Ok, now leave me alone." NOPE.

He stopped. He approached these people, and He demonstrated His love by getting to know them, talking to them, grieving with them, rejoicing with them, understanding them. SO, what if I force myself to go OUT of my comfort zone, and every time I'm triggered to be annoyed by someone around me, I STOP. I police my thoughts. I approach that individual, and actually get to KNOW them.  Even if it's just for one minute. Because how can we emulate true Christ-like love, TRUE charity toward our fellowmen, if we don't KNOW them. AND, even BETTER, I'll post a picture of me with the new FRIEND and tell YOU about them so YOU can love them too! Sort of like an accountability system that has dual purpose. The title of this movement will be called, "be a little TOO kind" and I'll hashtag every single picture and encourage YOU to do the same. What do you think about it? Can we do it? Can we change the WORLD? Can we all learn to TRULY love, as CHRIST does, and become ONE?